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It's biblical how fucked my sleep can be.

Posted on 2011.03.31 at 03:53
Current Location: Seattle. Washington
Current Mood: numbnumb
Current Music: Open Arms, Mariah Carey
I do spend the night searching for earthquakes. I am also the one waiting by the window waiting for you to kick down the door. I need to let go of all my downer thoughts. Then maybe there will be one less sad robot looking for a chance to be something more than just metal. Oh. The world is sleeping and I am numb.

How will you understand what this sleeplessness does to me? For me this is hard... The world around me is asleep, and I am here alone in my thoughtless thoughts. My mind seems to be spinning still. It's crazy.

I want to say I do not have a lot on my mind. I must if I am here. So lets break this scratched record of guilt and innocence.

I miss you.

My dad has not spoken to me in months due to extremely misleading actions of my brother. I should of known not to trust him. smdh. I always want to assume the best, and then I always look like an ass.

My brother is starting to try to get a hold of me wanting to have a relationship. Have I been pushed to far this time? I don't think I can go back.

My sister has seemed to replace our family with her fiancées. I can't say I blame her. Our family is... well... not a family.

I miss my nieces like crazy. I miss living with my sister, despite any fights we had, we were a family. Her me, Vaeh and Paul.

Little Man must sense my... exhaustion. He has his head on resting on my arm, making it quite hard to maneuver my hands on this keyboard.

I am really frustrated with myself for not finishing school with only 3 days left. I can always go back, but I cannot seem to shake this overwhelming feeling of failure. I feel like I let down everyone. I want to be able to make decisions and choices without feeling bad about it. Fuck.

In the back of my mind I always thought that my biological mother would come save me from all the sadness and guilt taking shelter in my chest. I am 4 years away from being 30 and I am realizing that my wish will never come true.

I need to get my shit together. Nearly 4am and I have an interview in the morning in Bellevue. Bah.

What happened to the carefree times 4 years ago? Have I changed that much? I am sleepless.


When I feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on me
Please take a moment and tame my wild heart
I feel like the walls are closing in on me
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon my door and I feel like I can't take anymore

I want you to be the one I call
If I jump will you break my fall?
Lift me up and fly away with me into the night
If I need to fall apart
Can you mend a broken heart?
If I need to crash and crash and burn
Will I be alone?

When I feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
I'm caught in a one way street
With the monsters in my head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
I feel like I can't face the day

I want you to be the one I call
If I jump will you break my fall?
Lift me up and fly away with me into the night
If I need to fall apart
Can you mend a broken heart?
If I need to crash and crash and burn
Will I be alone?

'Cause there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over will I be able to breathe again?
Will i breathe again?

When I feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on me
Please take a moment and tame my wild heart

I want you to be the one I call
If I jump will you break my fall?
Lift me up and fly away with me into the night
If I need to fall apart
Can you mend a broken heart?
If I need to crash and crash and burn
Will I be alone?

scary lesbian
Posted on 2011.03.15 at 13:23
Current Location: United States, Washington, Seattle
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
Family sucks sometimes man. My sister is saying that the girls wont be able to stay the night anymore because I am moving to a Studio. Really? Ok. And if she reads this she will get all upset and start ignoring me and not talking to me for weeks.

We got in a huge fight recently over money. She got her tax return and gave me 300 bucks. She asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I said boo, this will do, its more than enough. Then I felt weird for taking that kind of money from her. So I told her I would pay her back. I guess she really took that one to heart. She ended up giving my brother (who is incredibly unreliable, a thief and a liar)over 1000 bucks. He will never pay that back. She got really upset that she felt taken advantage of by him, and then got mad at me. It went as far as her deleting me from FB and then adding me back a few days later. lol wow. So never going to do that again. Never take money from family, even if it started out as a gift.

Eventually she apologized and I thought that was that. But I just got his IM saying she needs the money back. So instead of paying cable and going and getting the much long awaited divorce from Joe, I will be paying her back. I again have to postpone with Joe and that is... ridiculous. I just hope it all works out the way its supposed to.

On another note. I was just in the bathroom doing my business, and Gypsy comes waltzing in the door. She opened the door a bit when she walked in. I looked up a min or two later and realized that someone from the apartment across the very small Courtyard was leaning over their balcony looking in my window watching me piss. (oops on me for forgetting to close the blinds in the bedroom) I was hoping they were still there when I got out of the bathroom so I could ask them if they like what they saw, fucker. wtf?!

I still have not heard from my landlord about when we get to switch units and if we can just transfer our deposit over. Hopefully today. She has been super busy with the death in the complex and all. There were some guys here yesterday moving all the furniture out of the guys apartment, and they were literally just tossing it down the stairs shaking the building.

I am a bit concerned about LittleMan. I think there may be something wrong with him. He hasnt been able to eat hard food without throwing it back up. He does fine with soft food though. So i have been giving him soft food. His sides also seem a lot firmer than usual. Like when you squeeze him he feels bloated. But he is using the cat box normally. I am just going to be keeping a very close eye on him.

I guess thats all for now. I just need to vent.

*ty Joe for understanding!

Pudding!

My Icon makes me laugh.

Posted on 2011.03.13 at 15:12
Current Location: United States, Seattle, 4th Ave, 2701-2721
Current Mood: lazylazy
Tags: , , ,
Pudding. This one is for you Jehn :-) haha

So.. I am back from my long absence from Lj. I always seem to be on again off again with journals. Am I the only one?

I am living in Downtown Seattle now. I looooove it! Being in the middle of everything. Yesterday it was pouring out and we (my fiancée and I) had to make a run to the QFC. On our way back we saw what must have been a scavenger hunt going on. A group of about 6 people ran past us all dressed like 'Wheres Waldo'. As they were passing us they asked us where Gork the Robot was. I had no idea. I assumed it was the robot hanging up in the 5point cafe. You know the one. The one lit up all fluorescent flipping the bird, from ATHF. haha A bit later a team of two jogged past dressed in all black wearing black afro's. lol

Life in Seattle is never dull, that is for shiz.

Someone died in their apartment. Man it was uber creepy. He was dead in his apt for 10 days (he was an older man, and the ME said he died of natural causes). The bio-clean team was here two days ago cleaning up the apartment. He apparently decomposed pretty narly. They are removing all of the flooring and everything because the smell and bodily fluids got into it. ICK. He had a dog (a yorkie?) trapped in there with him. It was so sad. A couple here Charles and Jane from Australia took him in. They said they had to bathe him about 6 times to get the smell out. They then took him to groomers, and is now looking quite handsome. He is doing very well considering what he had just been through. Charles and Jane have an old (HUGE) pit that is getting along well with the new company.

We are getting ready to move to a Studio from our one bedroom. That will give us a chance to save up to move into a sexier place when our lease is up. I don't know what I am going to do with only one DVR. Lame. lol.

OMG my cat Gypsy just scared the living shit outta me. Effin crazy ass cats. ugh.

Dee is super sick :( She is laying next to me passed out. I made her some theraflu tea.

I think thats all for now. :P

scary lesbian

neat

Posted on 2009.12.26 at 23:59
I'm totally posting from my mytouch right now!

scary lesbian

So long. In december.

Posted on 2009.12.14 at 17:29
Current Location: Kent, WA
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
Current Music: EllenDegeneres
Its been quite awhile since I have written. I feel like ive started many of my blogs with this statement. . . I used to blog so much. I love writing. I don't know what happened. I haven't even written in my Lj. *sigh*

Life has changed so much. I am working in Burien, back pretty much where Joe and I used to live. It is so odd being back in that area, but I love my job. I'm still working as a Caregiver for the DD. I am finding though, that at this job they do not follow procedures and standards as VOA did so accurately.

Deliliah and I are living together with our roommate Armida, in Kent. I enjoy the apartment a lot, I find it quite nice, and homey. Though Deliliah is not happy here because She says she cannot view it as home with Armida here (because she cannot stand her). I find it frustrating. Then I feel like I cannot even say anything about it because then she is like "UGH! I'm just going to keep my effing mouth shut from now on", then I'M not the one listening to HER. WTH?!

I just want a home. I have one and I am grateful. I just want to be able to share that with her, and she isn't letting me. I pretty much moved out here to be with her, but now its getting annoying that she is not even comfortable here. I could be back in the North end with my family, whom I miss a ton. But I love her. I just wish she wouldn't be so damn stubborn. But that's who she is.

Ive pretty much ditched Myspace for Facebook. I feel like I have to sensor everything on FB now though because I have so many individuals from Deliliah's family adding me, and old church friends....

My cat BroBro went missing for a few weeks and he just came home a few days ago. I am happy about that. Him and LittleMan are happy to have each other again.

Payday is coming soon and I cannot wait because then I get to do my Christmas shopping. Annnd grocery shopping, because we have ZERO groceries... And get a digital camera so that I can get picks of the new apartment, my christmas tree, and my family.

I kinda feel like I am in this Christmas alone. Deliliah never really celebrated, and Armida thinks all my decorations and stuff are silly.

Im not going to lie. Sometimes I wish it was just me and my cat, in a little apartment, with my REAL christmas tree, in Everett surrounded by MY family.

I am probably going to get scheduled for xmas eve, and if I do and they wont let Kendra work it (Kendra said she would take my shift for me), or Kendra is already working it, I am going to call in, because family is important to me, and getting to go see my family for the first time in quite a few months is important to me.

My Dad's birthday was on the 11th of December. I have not been able to get a hold of him. He is dying. Drinking himself to death. Going back in forth with our step mom Kat who has gone back to shooting up apparently. I am glad that I have separated myself from all of that Drama, but I feel overwhelmingly sad. Sad that I did not get to wish my dad a happy birthday, sad that I am not around my family as much as I would like.

Anyhow, i am going to get back to doing absolutely nothing.


dont follow

ooooh nooooo

Posted on 2009.08.06 at 11:46
Current Location: home, should be work
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
Current Music: tpain-lil wayne
So its been a long hot second since I posted last. And so much has been going on. I know I say I usually don't post unless im un happy. But my lack of posting lately hasnt been because Ive been happy, i just havent been having the time.

I work 50 hours a week in Federal way, and I live in Issaquah. Commute sucks, it will get better once training is over. 3 more weeks!. Ugh. That doesnt include hour lunch hours there so really Im there 55 hours a week. One positive is im making some friends. :)

Ive been working so hard at getting my shit together. Deliliah and I are engaged, we are going to be moving in November to Kent.

Deliliah has been going through so much and I feel awful. Her niece is moving tonight. Her mother is taking her to Texas. Deliliah is devistated, I would be too! They are really close.

So all that stuff going on with my dad got a little worse. He was released from jail and not even a week later (about) he gets into a huge accident on I-5 heading north from Seattle. He wrecks into two cars. He was drunk driving. There was broken glass, and alcohol bottles everywhere in the car. My dad was taken to the hospital while in custody. He is lucky he didnt hurt anyone in any of the other two cars. He totalled my brothers truck though, and he got injured. I asked him if he learned his lesson. I hope so. So thats that.

So long story short, my car is gone. It left me this morning at 3am. I dont want to talk about it.

Im screwed. Not sure how I am going to be getting to work. I bus routed it out and Ill be 26 minutes late each day. Idk if they are going to be willing to work with me with it or not. *shrugs* idk. If it does I have to wake up at 5am to leave at 5:30am then when I get off work I will bus it home and get home at 8:40pm... loong day.

I am really hungry right now, I got all excited thinking about going and getting a safeway sandwitch to go with my cheetos, but I rememberd I do not have my car.

I am devistated.

Ive been planning for the wedding.... I realized how sad I find it that I have started depending on complete strangers to help me plan this. I dont have my family or anything. . . But I am greatful for them, Maybe I will come out with some good friends in the end. . .

Everything was going so well. It was all supposed to be down hill from here.

oh yeah

Soooo

Posted on 2009.06.29 at 14:05
Current Location: Auburdine
Current Mood: chipperchipper
Current Music: csi
Im totally going to start playing WOW instead of napping! Im addicted.

If you play, and wanna quest! my sn is orchidelflez and im located in the borean tundra in Auburdine! <3

blue eye

Home Alone

Posted on 2009.06.28 at 17:11
Current Location: *sigh* in bed
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: ANTM
So today ugh.

Today is PRIDE. I have been so excited to go to this event for EVER. I hurt my ankle day before yesterday. How, I have no idea. But my niece Nevaeh was staying the night, I took her swimming, we came home and got ready for our baths. All of a sudden this sharp pain shot thru my foot, and i couldnt walk on it. The pain was sooo horrific. But I refused to let it interfere with my time with my niece. So we continued on with our day. Yesterday Deliliah, Armida, my sister Shuston, her fiance Paul, and my nieces Nevaeh and Liliana had a bbq at a park near by. It was a great time.

Everyone kept yelling at me to keep sitting down and stop moving. I could hardly walk. It took everything I had not to let a tear come from eye each time I stepped down. I mean even just having my foot down it throbbed. I kept trying to elevate it because that is what you should do, but It hurts having any type of pressure on it. Its so swollen its disgusting. Anyhow I live on the 3rd story which is a lot of stairs. So after the bbq and going to the ER, where they said nothing showed in the x rays, and the only gave me 6 vicodin I bravely walked up to the apartment.

I then cried for a good 3 minutes because I was in so much pain walking up the stairs.

I have been in so much pain since. I did not get to go to PRIDE today, which really REALLY bums me out because I was looking forward to going for a LONG time. But I just cant to do it because it hurts too much.

Everyone else left me here alone. Gabys with Daniel, Deliliah is with her family & doing chores, and Armida is now out on a date. I am sitting here alone, and bummed. Trying not to think about it.

Keeping my foot iced, wishing I had more pain medication and a whopper meal sitting in front of me.

scary lesbian

OMFG

Posted on 2009.06.25 at 16:03
Current Location: HOME
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: THRILLER, MICHAEL JACKSON
MICHAEL JACKSON IS DEAD AND I AM BROKEN HEARTED

RIP MICHAEL!

YOU ROCK!

Retarted?

I put my dad in Jail

Posted on 2009.06.25 at 11:47
Current Location: home
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: birds outside
Tags: , ,
I honestly do not know where to even begin with this. >_< I am feeling like a horrible person, when I know I shouldn't. The reason I am even posting this is because I need to hear from someone that what I did was right.

So I grew up in a really abusive home. My dad beat the crap out of us kids, and not only our biological mother (whom took off and left us when i was 2 my bro was 1 and Shuston was just born) but also our step mom. We ended up living all over the place, and a lot of the time with my grammy. Most of you know that we lived in Hawaii for quite some time. I think that is when it all got worse. Our dad would make us watch him beat our step mother. We ended up in a shelter for battered women and children. Shit went on like this for years. Eventually our step mom found her way out, and my dad got remarried. As far as we know he never beat her, at least not in front of us. They have been married for 8 years now, and over the last year and a half things have gotten really bad. Btwn them, my dads failing health, and Kat getting hooked back on Drugs.

My brother told me a week or two ago that he Saw Kat with bruises all on her face. But that she told him the Dentist did it to her. What a crock of bull that is. We all know it. Then my sister saw Kat with two black eyes. My dad and kat acted like nothing happend, and the black eyes werent there.

So I finally go down on Friday, and at this point Kat is in 'hide out'. She is hiding from my dad because he beat the crap out of her. So I find her, I saw ALL of her bruises from head to toe. Burn marks from lighters on her legs. Strangulation marks on her neck. I felt a rage boil up inside of me so strong I could of, well commited a crime of passion as they would say.

Growing up as children in an abusive home, we could never do anything to help our mother or help ourselves from getting hurt. But NOW I CAN.

I refused to leave the house until she made her statement to the police. After a bunch of shinanigans on the five-os end, and when they actually showed up I wasnt at the house. I got a call frm my step sister saying that they were there and to come over, so I did. I sat there and talked with Nalia and her boyfriend while Kat gave her verbal and written statement, and while they took pictures of all of her bruises. They informed us that they cannot arrest my father because it was past the 4 hour time limit you have to call during a domestic violence situation. So Kat, Nalia and her Boyfriend all thanked me for staying and making sure this got done, I headed home. FINALLY.

Well that was last week. I got a call at almost 4 am from my brother saying that the police showed up at his door to arrest our dad.

We are all confused because we dont know why they would show up at 3-4 am to arrest him, when we were told in the first place he couldnt get arrested. Once my brother found out what the charges were once our dad was booked he called me. He is booked on Assult one and Kindapping. Assult one for the strangulation (which the officer said should be an assult 2, but for some reason it was changed to 1) and kidnapping for not allowing our step mom Kat to leave the apartment while she was getting beat.

So now everyone is upset that my dad is in Jail and they are all BLAMING ME! Kat, and Nalia are saying that they never wanted the police to be called in the first place. Kat told my brother that I gave the police his addy, (where my dad has been staying) which i didnt, it was Kat, it is even stated on her paper work. But my brother is on a rampage saying that i need to mind my own business now, and his charges shouldnt be this high.

I thought I did the right thing. Everyone knew that Kat was getting beat. Everone wanted my dad in jail until it actually happend. Now I am getting all the guff for it. How sane is this??!!

I know what I did was the RIGHT THING to do. This cycle has been going on for 24 years now? Since I was born? Before I was born? How many people have to get hurt? After seeing how hurt Kat was, and all of the bruises all over her body I had to do something. I couldnt let him hurt her anymore. She would of kept going back. That is how Domestic Violence Victims are. Women always go back. Its some fucked up psychological bull crap. Everyone was wanting to avoid the elephant in the room, but I couldnt do it anymore. I couldnt help my brother and sister or my Step mom Carol when they were getting the shit kicked out of them. No one could help me when I was getting the shit kicked out of me, but god damnit I can help Kat now. And that is what I thought I was doing.

But now she is saying that she never wanted him to go to jail, my brother is saying that what I did was wrong, even though just a week or so ago he wanted the same thing.
I feel so guilty. He is my ailing father. I love him, even after all the crap he has done. But after seeing Kat I just couldnt do this anymore. Someone has to stop him. Before he kills her. We all know she would keep going back.

Was I really wrong to put my father in jail?


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